Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All men were not created equal, look around more often

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   What does Barbara Bush and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both like to blow a little dope.

   Why do they no longer offer drivers ed and sex ed in schools in Mexico? The donkey died....

   Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town.

   If a robin makes red babies and a bluebird makes blue babies, what kind of bird makes no babies? A swallow.

   What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

   Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......

   The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.

   If your vigina is anything like my hand then we should not have a problem

   I was on Facebook before it was cool, and before the rest of you idiots joined.

   going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.

   ‎$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo...

   Watching a good movie but doesn't know why people put sex on DVDs

   No Lady Gaga, ou weren't born that way. We can all see your Adam's Apple. Its sort of gross.

   They passed a budget last nigt and the Fereral Government STILL shutdown today! Oh wait... its Saturday isn't it?

   What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

   After the 7th text, I wish someone in this house would just call the other person and get the conversation over with. Or at the very least get a less annoying ring-tone announcing your incoming text.