Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

   Dear Mr. Obama I know that you are busy with that whole deficit thing, but I seem to be having a deficit problem of my own paying over $4.00 a gallon in gas is not helping my situation maybe you can be a pal and look into that for me, Thanks.

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?

   I think people must start requesting some sort of C.V or background profile on paper before engaging into relationships, would be advantages to know things like ful service history, Mileage, accurate shoe size and of cause HIV statuses

   the missus was not happy when I took out the tampons in her box and replaced them with party poppers!

   thinks that if ever there comes a time when air is going to be sold, I bet the first people to start that business would be the guys making potato crisps....well, they are already selling us bags of air with some crisps!

   Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   An awesum cook, even the smoke alarm is cheerin me on! :)

   Finding the lost TV remote I looked between the bed sheets. Just wish I could find a hot naked women there now and then.

   If you are a Man with a wife or girlfriend that is not a fat-ass, nagging, tree hugging, situation controlling, "Ive got a headache" prude; then re-post this and let them know how much you appreciate them. Any Takers? I didnt think so.

   There is a wondrous tranquility being in a work restroom stall in an empty restroom. The song of evacuational freedom may ring unbridled and resonant.

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what someone said?

   Hand Sanitizer... the best way to find invisible cuts for over 10 years now!

   By the super powers vested in me... I can now pronounce you deleted on fb and blocked if I want to.

   We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

   ''Are you free tomorrow?'' No, i'm expensive.

   Today, an insect settled on my monitor. Being lazy, I tried waving my mouse at it, but it wouldn't move. So I loaded a picture of Justin Bieber. Worked like a charm.

   *teacher textes student* "dear student, I know you're texting. no one would be looking a their crotch and smiling"

   The condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of my job for a week every month!"The tampon replies, "yeah? And when you don't do your damn job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!!"