Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between strippers and ballerinas? The ballerina's poles are horizontal.

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

   Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's

   Dude!!! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you.... And me

   Am I the only once who noticed Michael Jordan has a hitler mustache in the Haines commercials?

   Why do you LIKE your own status on facebook ? that's like texting yourself a question and replying back to yourself with your own answer

   Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

   When the toilet lids closed, it's turned into a seat.

   : Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"

   Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.

   God puts people in my life for a reason... & removes them from my life for a better reason.

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...

   burned lots of calories tonday, otherwise known as "dinner". :)

   Facebook should change the "Friends" section to "Friends & People I've Only Made Eye Contact With".

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke