Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drink triple, see double, act single ;)

   I hate when I sing a song and the artist gets it wrong

   i thought it was going to take us couple of days to beat libya! what happened? we should leave those arabic countries alone. we just cant beat them!

   asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   Sometimes I get so angry I give myself tourette's

   I think it's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.

   Heard its pretty hard to get a medical marijuana card, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go jump off my roof!

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   Just Ferdette About It.... Teach Me How To Jimmer

   A good box of wine will turn any ordinary meal into an extraordinary meal.

   Creating creative statuses is one of the many habits of highly effective people!

   Man am I tired, it's time to pretend I'm an air traffic controler...

   You know what sucks, when the people you are staying with have a grandfather clock and it chimes the number of hours. Know what sucks more, it is set to military time.

   Do you think that illegal immigration is a real problem?          A. Yes------- 20%          B.  No-------- 10%          C. No comprende---70%

   I wonder what the person I`m going to marry is doing right now

   wow 15 notifications.. oh wait 13 of them are for farmville, cityville, I dont give a sh*t-ville

   Have you even seen an airplane landing without wheels? I never knew legs could kick that fast.

   i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!

   Mondays are part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

   A rumor goes in one ear and then out of many mouths.