Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

   False hope is the only thing that gets me through the day

   Some people tell me they think I may have Tourettes. I've got know idea BALLSACK what they're talking about.

   I believe there's a direct correlation as to why women who have a mustache always wear a sarong over their swimwear.

   I think Tampax should change their slogan to "From our box, to yours".

   I think Tampax should change their slogan to "From out box, to yours".

   i just found out that the earthquake in japan was an inside job by the illuminati. search it on youtube "Alex Jones Says Japan Earthquake Possibly an Inside Job"

   I know Karate!.........and, like 2 other Japanese words.

   You know right about now cyphing gas outta folks cars really dont sound that crazy too me

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

   If you can read thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a Marine.

   "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen is playing on the radio.....brings back memories of my kick ball days in elementary school, I was a beast.....I coulda been a contender!.

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   I bumped into a guy as I was hurrying off the elevator and I go "Why am I so eager to get to work?" and we laughed and I stole his wallet.

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance.

   A lot of sports teams are called 'The Devils'... if I had a sports team I would call it 'The Jesus Christ Almighties'

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey shore. Post a pic of a favorite book as your profile pic in support of the many books that have lost their lives. (Note: Please do not post Twilight "books," this is serious!)RE-POST and make a difference