Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   dancing my cares away...down at Fraggle Rock!

   I hate it when people complain someone posted the outcome of a sports event because they recorded it to watch later. If you don't want to know the score, then stay off the internet!!

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering: Horse? Catapult? Tooth Fairy? Santa?

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   Whenever I call a Jewish friend and they don't answer... I worry Mel Gibson has killed and eaten them.

   If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have good luck.

   My buddy told me he really screwed up with his wife and she told him he had better have something in the garage in 24 hours that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds......I told him to get her a scale

   You would think NBA players would get better chairs to sit in during the game.

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   Wouldn't it be great if elevators replaced all their buttons with a single Surprise Me button?

   Remembers the time when we memorized phone numbers of our friends, family, and spouses. Now we can't even remember our parents' numbers without looking down at the phone.

   Every time I see someone type "prom", I initially read it as "porn". Thanks internet!

   Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

   The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

   Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the Husband, sharks for the husbands mother.

   Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......