Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Mounted in Alaska" ... Prolly coulda come up with a better name for that show.

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   When life gives you a Grenade, pull the pin and toss it to your EX..

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   When it comes to kicking someones ass I'm brave but when it comes to telling you how I feel I'm as weak as a toothpic

   I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!

   To the redheaded guy on CSI Miami...you're not Clint Eastwood so knock it off!!!

   Non-Smoker - I hate cigarettes...!Smoker - Me too , thats why I am burning it. ! !

   I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.

   April 19th 2011 at 8:11pm Skynet went active.

   Cold weather reminds me that I have nipples.

   That was delicious corn on the cob. If you could have seen me enjoying it you would have thought I was a corn star.

   ......and remember kids........never trust an air traffic controller