Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to

   iTeam It's about time Apple, it's about time!

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   that akward moment when she pulls out one bigger than yours

   64 tornados in North Carolina alone. Can we turn our attention to our own for once and send money to some Americans instead of Japan?

   A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

   In the beginning of a relationship the men go into it thinking this might be fun...and the women go into it thinking this might be the one.

   Was watching an episode of hoarders last night and was thinking that they should change the name of it to ''i'm really lazy and I don't want to clean my house''!!!

   Sometimes you want someone so bad, youll tell yourself lies &hope they come true.

   you know when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over??? I feel like THAT all the time...

   When someone say's "Let's do lunch", what they mean is "I don't care if I ever see your sorry azz again."

   If I get one more Farmville notification I'm going to strap my farmer with a flamethrower and start to decorate your farm.

   wish I could Google anything. I`d search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPOD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMBASS"

   eating alphabet soup and my spoon spells 'HOT'. Not sure if I should take that as a warning or a compliment.

   NOTE TO MYSELF: "The security code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card."

   having you ever eaten an apple with a worm in it? well buy an iphone and you will feel like that.

   Do you know why rednecks like to "do it" doggy style? So they can both watch NASCAR.

   What did the duck say to the prostitute? "Put it on my bill"

   How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.