Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gatorade's motto is "Is it in you?" ... Coincidentally, that was also MY motto the first several times I tried to have sex

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   I only make a lot of spelling and grammar errors because I have type-o blood.

   After marriage, sloppy seconds means not licking the cake batter spoon first.

   I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

   I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.

   I like sleeping with deaf women because I can shout out any name I want to.

   I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.

   - you know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA!!

   Drunk sayings = Sober thoughts

   wondering what Canadians do for fun between elections?

   I think tonight I'm gonna work on my grammar... Gonna see if I can get drunk enough to type in cursive...

   I'm kinda bored...I think I'm gonna go hang this 'No U-Turn' sign in a cul-de-sac somewhere.

   The hardest part of growing old is watching my kids grow old...

   sleepy, wish I was a air traffic controler so I can catch up on my rest...

   I swear I have more hair on the left side of my head. That's weird.

   I like the night sky more than anything else in this world, its the only place where chaos is so peaceful.

   Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

   I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.