Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 505 of 6383
I'm thankful I won't have to go push and shove people on Black Friday the day after telling everyone on Facebook how thankful I was for everything I have.
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11-28-2019 21:43
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I never understood why the
Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving.
Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins?
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11-28-2019 09:01
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She passed on the scalloped potatoes because "I don't really like seafood." It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.
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11-27-2019 18:35
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Love Facebook's feature that not only helps you to get more things done, it give you more time to hangout with friend's and be more social, which you can find it under settings then scrolling down to where it says Log out. Try it, it works!
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11-27-2019 09:14
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I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."
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11-26-2019 20:00 by IARU-MICK
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The lottery, except it’s my Thanksgiving table wondering who will get the stuffing with my wife’s hair in it.
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11-26-2019 15:50
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The secret ingredient to my green bean casserole is taking my shirt off when I bake it
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11-26-2019 15:49
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The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
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11-26-2019 12:44
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If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
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11-26-2019 11:13
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Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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11-26-2019 06:25
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Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.
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11-25-2019 16:28
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Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air...
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11-25-2019 14:03
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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11-25-2019 13:48
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Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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11-25-2019 12:52
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Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.
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11-25-2019 12:23
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As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.
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11-25-2019 12:21
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After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.
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11-24-2019 15:34
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The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.
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11-24-2019 14:29
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One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!
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11-24-2019 12:39
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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11-24-2019 06:30
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