Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dentists are going on strike...brace yourselves

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.

   When I was a kid my family was so poor that the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue!

   Found a Blockbuster Card in my closet, haven't been used in years... Is it considered an antique yet?

   You people should be ashamed of your self....Smoking poor defenseless plants like that! How would you like it if a plant came up to you all willy nilly chopped of your legs and smoked them in front of you! >_< Yeah that's right.... I went there. Hap

   The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Aren't those pretty expensive TVs for a hospital's budget?

   HAPPY 420 JOKERS SMOKERS AND MIDNIGHT TOKERS!

   Pick it, pack it, fire it up come along, and take a hit from the bong

   It's 4:19pm gotta minute?

   Look ahead, not behind and we will find piece of mind. I know you'll find a place to dry my little social butterfly!

   ‎"Mounted in Alaska" ... Prolly coulda come up with a better name for that show.

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   When life gives you a Grenade, pull the pin and toss it to your EX..

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.