Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with and the other to apologize

   my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

   I've got curtains that couldn't pass a drug test.

   man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery"wife replies "take half and leave your ass"husband replies "good,i won 12 dollars here is 6 now get the hell out

   would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   with great power,come's a great electric bill.

   nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.

   I'm A Serial Poker >:DD

   Why does the Pope mobile have bulletproof glass? If the Pope is afraid to die, what chance does anyone else have!

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.

   If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

   Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!

   Girls have a bad habit of holding on for too long. Guys have a bad habit of letting go too easily.

   Single guys need to get a fake ring. I've been hit on more in the last year since I have been married than in a LONG time. You women are scandalous, making me buy a bigger memory card for my contact list and all. Geesh!!!

   Mutton Chops will never go out of style in my eyes.

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.

   There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.

   Today is National Marijuana Day. A day when…uh…wow, Wolf Blitzer is SO funny.

   NEWS FLASH: 2 air traffic controllers fired for sleeping on the job, someone might want to wake them up to tell them the news.......