Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

   The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   My worst fear of getting old is chewing for no reason.😖

   We don't need a trade deal to last forever. If he doesn't like it down the road, he just divorce it for a younger trade deal, maybe from a different country...

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

   Ever notice the scariest women are the one's who flood their pages with pics of Marilyn Monroe?

   I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.

   I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   One Christmas eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. When an angel walk in with a tree and ask what he should do with the tree was how the tradition got started.

   Santa is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   Do you ever randomly start thinking about a time you embarrassed yourself 15 years ago and get embarrassed all over again?

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   If where you live doesn't have numbers on it you really need to address that.

   My idea Black Friday is deleting everyone from my friends list who sent me a mass Happy Thanksgiving day meme yesterday.

   Black Friday. Or as it should be known: "Thanksgiving Is Over, We Now Return You To Your Self-Centered Lives Already In Progress."