Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   Go ahead and hide out there now Waldo. Jerk.

   Keep your eyes on the road and don't get worried when you see someone naked on a front porch. It's probably just a healthcare working coming home after their shift.

   Who would have thought.. the unemployed have become subject matter experts on staying home

   I bet people's pets are just loving this quarantine

   I can't believe we all have to suffer, just because some idiot really wanted to eat under-cooked bat soup.

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I am so bored, but not ckean house and do laundry bored.

   The worst homeschooling class has to be Sex Ed.

   If soap kills the virus maybe these tide pod eating idiots had a point

   Your pets are going to light your sh*t on fire in rage when you start going out again post quarantine, fyi.

   HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.

   I Love octopus. Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   Gotta say that the class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

   If Martial Law is declared, do we stack the bodies of the home invaders and burglars at the curb on Trash Day? Asking for a friend.

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally

   Does anyone know if we should take showers or just keep washing our hands?

   I put four beers in each room of the house, now I;m going to get cleaned up and go bar hopping