Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Socialism bad, unless I need it. Love Trump supporters.

   Just think of all the things making big money during this. Netflix!, Disney+, Pornhub.

   Walmart just announced that they'll be hiring a hundred thousand new workers and now with any luck maybe they'll open at least more then 2 of their 27 registers.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over

   Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

   Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

   What if it was April fools of next year when someone finally reveals to you the self quarantine ended 11 months ago.

   This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to write the word "LOOK" without making the O's look like funny cartoon eyes.

   Now would be a good time to pave the roads

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   California has been shut down for bussiness

   I’ve been checking my temperature periodically every day. Did you know that it’s not necessary to do it rectally? Wish someone would’ve told me sooner!

   I got 352 likes Facebook post and somehow I feel I should get some sort of Facebook consolation prize, or something.

   I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.

   WTF, everyone is talking about social distancing rule...Haven't we been doing that since we opened facebook accounts?

   I always confuse reptiles and amphibians. OK to be honest, neither one knows what I’m talking about.