Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the Quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

   I'm glad we have a Space Force rather than a pandemic response team.

   Boo hoo! I'm so mad that I can't go out and mindlessly hang around some dive bar watching some crummy cover band butcher my 5 favorite songs from some 80' hair metal hacks!

   I think Facebook should change What's on your mind? To What's on your mind, besides the Coronavirus?

   I definitely didn't stockpile enough hot sauce.

   Virus Tip - If you run out of toilet paper, just spray Pam between your butt cheeks and poop won't stick. Don't ask how I know this...

   I am going through a lot of toilet paper and kleenex in self-isolation .. . I get it now.

   Ruby can finally take her love to town... guilt free.

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   The first person to make a Kenny Roger's Roasters cremation joke is gonna get a swift... never mind. It's me.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   ALL STREAMING SERVICES SHOULD BE FREE AT THIS TIME!

   Yall remember when in 2013 Obama shut down the government... Welp in 2020 Trump shut down the whole USA

   If the TV news only showed him when he told the truth, he would never be on TV.

   No wonder Italy is feeling the worst of the Coronavirus. They're all out on their balconies singing two feet away from each other.

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Socialism bad, unless I need it. Love Trump supporters.