Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks the NFL should stop giving complimentary cutlery sets to the players wives and girlfriends.

   Skinny thugs dress like they're fat. Fat hipsters dress like they're skinny. Guys in drag dress like girls. Am I still considered normal anymore by wearing what I'm supposed to?

   Toward no crimes have men shown themselves so cold- bloodedly cruel as in punishing differences of belief.

   Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex 'cause you don't want that late text "I think I'm late" text

   Note to self: Do NOT draft Peyton Hillis this year.

   I'm not sure which I find more nauseating, every detail of the Royal Wedding being broadcast, The View, or that they're advertsing the The View's live Royal Wedding coverage.

   Now we finally know what Obama was hiding on his birth certificate. Under favorite band, it says: "Nickleback."

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   I missed a payment on my cable bill....purposely, so I don't have to watch that royal wedding crap!

   If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog crap in my yard.

   BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump demands to know what country Latifah is the queen of...

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!

   Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! :(

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   If my number of Facebook friends drops, I just assume someone died.

   Men Give Give Give Forgive........ Women Get Get Get Forget........

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.

   Local cemetery raises cost of burials, blames "cost of living".