Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

   Mr. President, now that we have the birth certificate we will need your SS#, credit card #'s, bank account #'s and all pins and passwords...Thanks Donald

   I'm having a royal wedding watching party...drinking beer out of tea cups.  Pinkies up....chug chug chug

   hitting balls into the field of dreams...

   Out came the sun & dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again!

   the best part of sunny days is not having to read about everyone complaining about the weather

   I'm selling Royal Wedding barf bags for anyone else who is nauseous from seeing every sickening detail on TV.

   When life seems to have turned it's back on you,stand up and kick it in the ass.

   Dear Boomtown Rats, It's true I can't tell you why YOU don't like Mondays, but here's a list of reasons why I don't....a) they start too early, b) they finish too late, c) they last ALL day, d) they just keep coming back EVERY FRICKIN WEEK. That is all.

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

   Dear cupcakes, the fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says alot about your self esteem. sincerely, muffins

   The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube. The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.

   am I the only one that thinks that Prince William looks like a cross between John Elway and a Mongoloid?

   This morning I surveyed 100 men and asked them what shampoo they used when showering...... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   Well behaved Women rarely make History

   Woman are born to be the best liars and (man)ipulate you through their sympathy strategies

   Lindsay Lohan drives drunk, was busted for coke, steals cars, steals necklaces, and still manages to get a standing ovation on Leno!?!!

   I'm really hoping a devilishly hansom older version of my self explodes into my room in a ball of smoke and lightning with wads of cash and a 2011-2020 sports almanac

   We fought wars so we wouldn't care about royal weddings.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google