Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just saw a beautiful pregnant woman on crutches. He immediately has a deeply ingrained lifetime fetish.

   Adding the word "haha" to make the statement not so serious.

   just found 2 new nooks and 7 new crannies on his grandmother this morning.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   Looking forward to the royal divorce.

   Today was brought to you by redbull. Lots and lot of redbull.

   In honor of the Royal wedding coinciding with the release of Fast 5...I liveth my days one furlong at a time. For that fortnight or less, I possess the greatest freedom.

   ....and outta nowhere they wheeled the piano in, Elton put on those freaky glasses,and Pippa did a poledance in the aisle!

   Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!

   At the Royal Wedding Reception. The Queen is blitzed on Mai Tais and keeps screaming for the DJ to "crank the Foghat."

   Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.

   Twenty bucks says The Royal Divorce will get better ratings. Also, note to self, that's an amazing band name.

   If I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.

   Just took this personality test, and it said. "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   that everyone should stop giving Americans a hard time! After all it's not their fault that they have glow in the dark teeth!... Oh wait a minute. I maybe it is!

   I still think Princess Fiona's wedding with Shrek was better.

   Congratulations goes out to Kate Middleton. She just married Cap'n Crunch

   With all the ugly hats and horse teeth, I thought it was the Kentucky Derby...

   the royal wedding is as close to porn for females as you're ever gonna see...except Twilight

   Call me when there's a Royal Honeymoon video....