Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   Now that I am woke and want to make amends for my hateful act of being born white, I want reparations for all the money I spent at Pottery Barn over the years.

   One of the most cherished memories of Christmastime at my house when I was a kid was my mom putting out even more towels that I wasn't allowed to use.

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   If you don't make it in Hip Hop, there's always IHOP.