Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.

   Too bad the Coronavirus doesn't act like elections. Mostly those who'll get it are in New York and California.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.

   Waxing places are closed, so carpets are growing back. Beauty salons are closed, so the carpets are matching the drapes.

   We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus.

   You're just not buying enough guns! More are needed!

   I think I had coronavirus back in November. Same symptoms and they couldnt catalog it.

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

   Lysol commercial says apply to things I touch most. I have a feeling this is going to burn

   Forget the $1,200 stimulus check. I rather get a dollar for every lie he has told us.

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   I built a makeshift barrier at each end of my street to keep the virus out. Someone tore it down and hauled it away. I need to find them and get my bed and sofa back!

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   Does Trump really want people to kill themselves in order to improve the economy and to make his poll numbers rise? That's messed up!

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.

   The Gov. didn't have to issue me a stay at home order, my wife did that years ago.

   I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

   My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.