Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   My wedding will be open casket.

   It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

   I've never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

   I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

   A company has developed a grease burn protection so you can fry a skillet full of bacon naked. You can now fry bacon naked. I know you think it's a joke, but that's how Orson Welles died.

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .

   My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored

   when is it too late to have a baby shower ? cause my mama never had one when she was pregnant with me & I need some clothes