Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

   "The '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great." Abbie Hoffman

   BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people. Now my maths isn't that great but surely there's a minimum of 8 people killed there.

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   "Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves...

   not sure why any man would be in a polygamist relationship just increases the odds of having a psycho ex wife.

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   I guess Mother's Day is kind of awkward to a woman who has had multiple abortions. Thanks mom for not pulling the plug on me! Happy Mothers Day. :)

   what is the differance between a black guy and a large pizza?? a large pizza can feed a family!

   Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, practice on the hand over hand monkeybars will be cancelled indefinitely.

   ...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D

   If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   I just wanted Apple to know that I am still waiting for my iToilet.

   Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's piano? Neither has he.

   They say Osama was buried at sea because the U.S. would not have wanted there to be a grave site for fear of it turning into a place of worship for bin Laden's followers. I sure hope that all of his followers go to visit him at his place of burial

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne... Every girl falls for me

   If men can go around joggin shirtless... I believe "SOME" women should be able to do the same as well!

   I tried to play uno with my mexican friend's but they kept stealing the green cards

   the best part of waking up on Sunday morning after heavy [artying on a Saturday night, is the ability to pee in two different directions at the same time.