Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort

   I feel lSH*T ...you know the way those people felt when The Dave Matthews band emptied their RV's septic tank

   The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

   You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.

   Ok Ladies here are your choices , we leave the seat up , or we leave the seat down and let you clean up the piss , it can't be all about you

   ever have the feeling someone is watching you? I guess it doesn't help that I'm looking into this mirror.

   stop analyzing, criticizing, you should realize what I am & start epitomizing.

   You can't find me cause I'm lost in the music.

   I 'm trapped in a maze, therefore I am a-maze-ing.

   I'd like to see Chaz Bono go to DC teach a few Democrats how to be a man.

   I don't want a broken heart because I'll lose the pieces.

   My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

   I always had a peculiar sense of direction ,I just never knew where it would take me.

   Whatever you do...don't eat the cheesy fish tacos.

   I told her beauty is why God invented eyeballs, and her booty is why God invented my balls.

   Alcohol kills slowly...So what? Who's in a hurry?

   I shall be the first person ever to step foot on the sun. Now, I know exactly what's going through your mind, but I got it all figured out - I'm going at night

   "Let me put it simply. You can't find out who sees your profile. You won't win Southwest Airlines tickets. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free iPads. And you can't see the video of Osama's death.. Not on

   Now I have to shop for Bin Ladin free tuna.

   Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"