Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember that whole "Look both ways before crossing the street" thing? Well that also applies to picking your nose at a stop light. I just got totally busted when I looked at the guy on my right, pointing at me and laughing...

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun...I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out...I'm going at nite

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   If you really want something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.

   What do you do if you see your crazy Ex, running around in your front yard covered in blood & screaming for help? Stay calm,reload your pistol & aim better!!

   Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine

   Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??

   out making changes in his life... leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I dont get back to you - your one of the changes

   just saw an indian asleep on the train and noticed his red dot on his forehead and just thought to myself 'is he on standby?'

   The PopeMobile: Because Nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   Pharmacist to Customer: To buy anti-depression pills, Sir you need a proper prescription.. Simply showing a pic of your wife is not enough.

   The 1st testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 & the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It took 100y to realize the brain is also important

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros..sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   In the 90's we had Clinton in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no hope and no cash.

   Jell-O: Doubling the global demand for supply of Vodka since 1923

   I just thought of a quick way to spot a woman who is having that time of the month attitude problem! I call it the "Eye Pad!"

   Better get a bigger spatula before you try flipping that on me!

   That Awkward Moment When You Look Outside Your Window And Someones' Looking At You...

   FaceBook account for sale....Friends included!