Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else however is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.

   In this bright future you can't forget your past. - Bob Marley, RIP

   I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.

   im no gynecologist...but I'll take a look ;)

   Are you guys really my friends or are you just my facebook friends?"

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an A$$!"  

   "Women, before you get mad, remember, God and Adam were calling Eve 'Woman' long before she started getting all power hungry, emotional and irrational. So think about that, the next time your man says 'Woman, make me a sammich!'" -- 3 John 1:12

   has Finally figured out the difference between us. You're me if I tried too hard!

   wondering, would It be fun if we started calling gynecologists, "tw@t dentists".

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an ass!"  

   Having a wireless mouse makes it way too tempting to throw it across the room when my computer gives me trouble."

   I'm a little tea pot, short and stout... Consequently, my brother the beer keg gets all the chicks."

   Deadliest catch, without the crabs, we're almost out of gas, call the Arabs!

   You know that instant disgust you feel when you find a hair in your food? Yeah thats exactly what I feel when I see you.

   I heard that Jehovah's Witnesses don't like census takers. They are opposed to someone they don't know knocking on their door.

   To show my support for all the democracy protesters in the Middle East, I am shaving my balls today(They were getting hairy and I needed an excuse)

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   Stupid people exist just to make us feel better about ourselves. Thank you, stupid people!

   I finally figured out how to f*ck myself... Take that, people that tell me to f*ck myself!