Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the boarder! 

   people keep saying I'm not " with it and keep living in the past " screw them I'm off to play on my commodore 64 while I eat a marathon bar

   Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blue? I wonder if she would have liked it if her mother named her Racoon Red? WTF is wrong with these celebs........

   In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   If ur freaky and you know clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it and ya really wanna show it, pull ur pants down to the floor and do a dance!!!! Yay!!!!

   I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

   it me or has anyone else noticed that when you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom, you are always somewhere where there are no bathrooms around

   "I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife

   Why yes Officer...I did see the speed limit sign...I just didn't see your car...

   Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?

   Women have mysterious ability of communication..........They listen half.Understand quarter & can tell DOUBLE.

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone

   always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort

   I feel lSH*T ...you know the way those people felt when The Dave Matthews band emptied their RV's septic tank

   The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

   You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.

   Ok Ladies here are your choices , we leave the seat up , or we leave the seat down and let you clean up the piss , it can't be all about you

   ever have the feeling someone is watching you? I guess it doesn't help that I'm looking into this mirror.