Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes

   I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism

   On any given day 15% of the U.S. population is constipated. Here at work that equals 7.9 people. I bet I know who you are by your facial expressions alone

   If it was up to me, Pregnancy test would only have 2 cool results; PINK - You are screwed & BLUE - Keep on screwing.

   Don't blame me that I put so many statuses. Blame facebook who always ask me "What's on your mind" whenever I visit the wall.

   I just filled my bird-feeder with Mentos and my birdbath with Pepsi..........

   What is it about warm weather that compels people to blast really loud, annoying bass lines out of their car stereos? You can't even hear what song they're playing except for, "DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE! DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE!"

   A lot of people make fun of the stuff Glenn Beck says. But don't forget he also has a really stupid face

   yo momma is so stupid..she placed a paper ontop of the t.v. and thought she was watchin paperview

   Doctor/Hosptial shows are all the same.. He's going into Cardiac Arrest! Commercial.. Oh wait it was only gas, He's having a Seizure! Commercial, Oh wait he was only masterbating."

   I'm glad people don't talk the way they spell, text, or type.

   rose scented air freshener and poop do not mix

   When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I asked a friend, "how's your wife?" He answered, "compared to who?"

   I got an e-mail saying '"At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" I'm thinking, that's just spam.

   We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   It's bad enough when a friend says.."Hold my beer while I try this.."..but when your Doctor says that???

   Not all MODELS are necessarily sexy and attractive enough to shag

   If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!