Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Martial Law is declared, do we stack the bodies of the home invaders and burglars at the curb on Trash Day? Asking for a friend.

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally

   Does anyone know if we should take showers or just keep washing our hands?

   I put four beers in each room of the house, now I;m going to get cleaned up and go bar hopping

   Beware everyone!! There's emails going around saying if you eat tinned pork, it will help avoid Covid. Please ignore as it's only Spam

   I just auditioned for a play about the toilet paper shortage because they said there might be a roll for me.

   Are Liquor Stores considered essential businesses and therefore required to remain open? Asking for a friend.

   Darn Facebook is so packed with traffic I had to walk over from Instagram as someone parked in Myspace.

   Studies have confirmed that women can significantly increase imMunity to COVID by ingesting semen.

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   Have I ever been in a stable relationship? I’m not into livestock, you sick twist. What’s wrong with you? Why did your mind even go there?

   Remember on 'The Wire' when the drug dealers in Hamsterdam were like, "Got that pandemic!"? HBO should do a 'Where are they Now?' episode...

   Tiger King is like watching the UPN Network version of The Lion King, produced by Jerry Springer.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Tried oscillating today! Not a fan!

   I never thought that giving up going to work for Lent would be so easy.

   You think it’s hard to train dogs? We can’t even get people to sit and stay

   Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   A 17-year-old whose death was initially linked to the novel coronavirus despite not having any previously reported health conditions was denied treatment at a California medical facility. Very Commie of them.