Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And suddenly people don't wonder any more if your living life to the fullest or have completely given up when you walk into the supermarket wearing pajamas.

   I'm sorry I removed you from my friends-list. But it's my new policy in dealing with folks who annoy the f*****g s**t out of me.

   When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.

   When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.

   No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature

   If a Tutu was designed for an extra-large ballerina, would it be called a Threethree?

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

   Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower after my husband.

   So many things changing daily. For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

   co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people

   [during sex] me: imma turn the ceiling fan on giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

   You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   Bet when he went to school if there was a subject called how to do nothing, he would of gotten straight A's in it.

   I found a real use for a selfie stick.. 6 feet back motherfuckers

   This Corona hoax is the most I've ever seen my neighbors, I'm pretty sure they're all hooligans. Almost all of em wearing masks.

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P

   I am creating face mask from the scalps of the dead... Is that wrong?