Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #BeBest - Excludes 16 year old girls with Asperger's

   If you have a softball team and it's not called "All About that Base," well, what's the matter with you?

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."

   My favorite thing is a woman who sticks our her b00bs in every timeline pic, then goes nuts when a guy messages her.

   Is it to early to break my new year's resolution or should I wait until after Christmas?

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

   My sex tape is called “Here I Go Again On My Own”.

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, “kind of a slow day.”

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

   I’m dreaming of a White Christmas and yes I mean cocaine

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.