Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned 3 things from "Look At Me Now": Chris Brown is getting paper, Busta Rhymes has four tongues, and Lil Wayne doesn't eat sushi

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   We all have that ONE person we would gladly take back in a second...No matter how much bullsh*t they put us through and hurt us in the past.

   "I like big butts and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in an ashtray

   I listed the Federal Government as a dependent on my taxes this year

   It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

   It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

   I JUST GOT LAID THIS MORNING!................ Unfortuanately it was at a 7/11 gas pump :(

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!

   checking in. I'm at a party with some people but not saying where or with whom because if you aren't here, you weren't invited.

   I've heard that Apple had to get rid of their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end, it,s already tomorrow in Australia

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme."

   Just because I flirt with you doesnt mean I like you.

   Ironically, I gain my very own instant gratification by denying yours.

   Dear warm weather, thank you for having the wonderful ability to remove clothing from these gorgeous girls on campus

   I love watching two girls meet for the first time. Its easily the fakest thing I have ever seen.

   Twitter: What's happening? Facebook: What are you thinking? MySpace: Where is everybody?!

   Don't tell me your sorry when your not, you only say sorry when you get caught.