Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

   ..that WINNING but than instant LOSER feeling you get when a girl sends you a sexy pic, and you look at the message details only to find that their are 9 other numbers above yours...awkward...

   If I actually did "live like there's no tomorrow". I'd be in jail.

   I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question

   may not be a millionaire yet but I figure what I have in my pocket combined with 3 vehicles full of gas puts me pretty damned close...

   Like this status if you're a non-comformist.

   You know why there are no wal-marts in Afghanistan? Cause theres a Target in every corner...

   I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

   My neighbor is always talking about the paranormal. Wonder what she will have to say when she finds out I put Mentos in the bird feeder and Diet Coke in the bird bath.

   feels like a playa... just eye-f**ked these hot twins for a solid 10 seconds and I don't even know their names.

   Looking @ a homeless guy on the bus, how does he know where to get off? ;)

   : My neighbours liked my music so much, the called the cops to come and listen.

   There's never a hobo around when you really need your windshield cleaned

   100% of my regrets will be when my friends find out exactly where I've been stealing 100% of my statuses. #Faaak!

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Share" button.

   Xbox games should come with the warning "Caution! This game could cause temporary Tourette's Syndrome"

   clear your browsing history and cookies and give yourself as many thumbs up as your want

   I learned 3 things from "Look At Me Now": Chris Brown is getting paper, Busta Rhymes has four tongues, and Lil Wayne doesn't eat sushi