Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hanker for a hunka, a slab or slice or chunka, I hanker for a hunka cheese. When your get up and go has got up and went......

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   Would like to rename "obese" to "Dyslexic Anorexia"

   Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"

   needs a facebook button that says 'stfu already'

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check... Horny campers, that's easy!

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   has a blind date tonight.... Hoping she likes the smell of chloroform.

   If sex is the food of love then masturbation must be the snacks between meals.

   Man this haterade tastes nasty! How can so many people drink this?!

   For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...

   Cha cha cha cha ......... kah kah kah kah kah ............... cha cha cha cha cha ............... kah kah kah kah kah! Mrs. Voorhees the original psycho mom!

   Big shout out to Jason Voorhees! Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight with a lot of love making....Be there or be square!!

   Rebecca Black - "its friiday, friiday" *Jason Voorhees walks in stabs her in the face and goes home* yeah, Friday the 13th.

   It's Friday the 13th! Want to get lucky?

   I smash mirrors, walk under ladders, spill salt & cross paths with black cats. Be afraid... be very, very afraid, its Friday the 13th!!!

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.