Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I press Like or Dislike exclusively to make it an even number

   First-year gynecologists have to take a special med school class about not high-fiving other first-year gynecologists.

   Like all great artists, Tony Danza never actually came out and said who the boss was. They left it to the viewer to decide.

   If the rabbit was named "Rabbit", the piglet was named "Piglet", and the owl was named "Owl", why wasn't Christopher Robin named "Dude"?

   Are you ready, boots? Okay, well, let me know when you're ready.

   in an open relationship with Maria Shriver

   When Arnold and Maria were married many wondered if he could convert her into being a Republican. Well we have the answer now, She converted him into a Kennedy.

   Im headed to Wal Mart to get my May 21st survival kit?

   I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture.

   When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.

   Sometimes standing for what you believe in means that you have to sacrifice temporarily for the greater good. It's amazing how quickly peoples "values" change when their personal comfort level is threatened

   Need a new hobby. Think I'm gonna learn photosynthesis.

   'Nuff bull: Guys who know every piece of sports trivia and guys who know every piece of Star Wars trivia are the same guy

   the guy with the giraffe and all the gold tryin' to give the Dos Equis guy a run for his money?

   so the Bible says the world is going to end May 21, 2011.. Santa Claus always said the Mayan's got the date right years ago. well thats what the Easter bunny told me....

   Linguists say we're at risk of losing hundreds of indigenous languages and also the word “dang”.

   Why the hell do birds wake up so early? They dont have to work, obviously anything they do have to do isnt time sensitive and yet at 5am they're chirping like crazy, honestly I think they just like messin' with us.

   If they make a Fast and the Furious 6 they have to make another Rocky, I cant live in a world where there are more Fast and the Furious movies than Rocky movies.

   I wonder if gay guys make fun of each other when they do something "straight"

   I'm not saying that "killing them with kindness" cant work, but I'm pretty sure that an automatic weapon works alot faster and more accurately.