Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apocalypse shopping list: 1. Flame thrower 2. 25 boxes of aluminum foil 3. Pogo stick 4. 3 dozen wind up chattering teeth 5. 20 pounds of Lobster tail (Carman Electra's favorite) 6. 15 cases Grey Goose vodka 7. Strobe light 8. Disco Ball

   And the Thunder rolls... Right outta the playoffs.

   wondering, can I still use the big stall if my handicap is being emotionally crippled?

   I'll probably be too drunk to remember the apocalypse

   Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.

   Just winked at myself in a mirror and physically felt the soul leave my body.

   Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   *Public Service Announcement: YOU CAN NOT find out who saw your profile! Jordan does NOT make high heels! YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter! YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body! There are NO free iPads!

   My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."

   Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

   Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch

   Bachelors degree made possible by adderall

   I just found out that the life insurance policy I put on Osama Bin Laden is invalid..... Damn!

   was preparing for Sunday, but I just realized that post-rapture looting makes no sense because so many of us will still be here. Particularly people in public office and law enforcement.... : (

   just heard Justin Bieber was in a car accident.... He is okay but he did break his hymen.

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.