Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

   Always believe a woman when she says: “You don't want to know!”

   They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

   When everyone is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking.

   just watched a commercial asking if I suffer from schizophrenia. I think i'm okay, but will run it past the other voices...

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   Wow, Paul McCartney got married again?! Really seems like this relationship has legs.

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.

   I thought about being atheist...then I realized they dont have any holidays

   the akward moment when you meet someone of the Internet N they look nothing like their pics

   You guys, hear, about these, rogue commas, going around?

   Okay everyone, with all the lovely things I have been purchasing on credit, please join me on Sunday May 22nd for a garage sale at 25% off. PLEASE!

   That tv show 'The Mentalist' is nowhere near as good as the title suggests 

   MLIA view Today, one of my friends said to me if you say "Gullible" really slow, it sounds like ice cream. I said "Ice Cream" really slow and then I said, "Wow! It does!" He responded with, "No, you're supposed to say gullible slowly." And I reply with,

   Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

   If the world is going to end May 21st it could at least end at 7AM not 6PM so I dont have to go to work.

   How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep

   That blonde's cleavage in that engery drink commercial WORX for me.

   wise beyond my beers.