Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   hopes those of you who aren't funny are the first do go on saturday.

   Well Brittney you have two days left of dancing until the world ends...

   Why is that the world is always going to end on a weekend? Why not Monday morning, ideally before I have to get up and go to work?

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   wondering if anyone's considered the possibility that the Mayan calender ends on 12/21/2012 not because it's the end of the world but because they just couldn't be bothered to add any more pages to it?

   i have an apt up for grabs furnished and all, the only thing I ask is if you give it back to me after saturday May 21!

   I don't care if being apathetic is wrong.

   looking forward to all of the job opeings after the rapture happens...

   The Rapture is this weekend nobody make any plans! WAIT JUST A MINUTE this came from the guy that predicted that Judgement day was happening September 6, 1994.... I wonder how that worked out for him?

   looking for some good end-of-the-world bargains today and tomorrow

   to the guy above this.. I'm talking about the world ending..

   they search for years and spend millions of dollars looking for Osama, and where was he? At home hiding behind his wife!

   ahhh where the hell is spring? if you see her around tell her to come see me immediately

   Be careful on how you pronounce "Schwarzenegger." You may upset some black people around you

   Apparently Imogen Thomas is struggling to launch her pop career. She's been unable to announce any Giggs.

   That awkward moment when you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attemp to fool the other people in the room..

   To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, for example: "I'm bored, lets go brush your teeth!"

   Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan