Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I'm serving it anyway.

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

   Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

   Have happy merry impeachment and if you didn't hear trump's impeachment time is here.

   My New Year's resolution is to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends.

   Where's the civil war you morons promised? I'm waiting...

   new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink