Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn't helpful, but it is acceptable.

   rapture tip : Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it's going to be one hell of a fire.

   rapture tip : Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn't want a hug ... she wants your brains

   I hope the people who drive slow in the left lane are the first to go on Saturday.

   Want's to hijack Family Radio and play 48 hours of ACDC for your listening pleasures.

   So, the woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants, lost custody. Sources close to the little girl say she wasn't surprised by the news. Or maybe she was. It's hard to tell.

   I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   doesn't wish anyone harm but wouldn't be upset if Justin Bieber was kicked in the head by a donkey.

   in case the WORLD ENDING doesnt happen on Saturday, Fox News had a report that we maybe over run by Zombies, but they did give a 'guide' as to what to do. Thanks Fox News....now I know what to do when the undead attempt to eat my brain.....

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   payin for those jalapenos! My ass is on fire!!

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...