Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like Facebook to suggest: Since you've just de-friended that loser, how about you get rid of some more  deadweight, like ……

   Hey single ladies, you want a boyfriend? Easy! Learn to shut up and dramatically lower your standards!

   Leaving Facebook for Twitter is like leaving the bar to go home.

   I love when bicthes make status about how much the hate b**ches

   Shout out to everyone who ever gave GOD I mean Bishop Eddie Long Stroke money. Your money got put to good use today. I'm sure GOD is proud. Shout out to the Building Fund also. That private bedroom he has in his office must be nice.

   Why can you buy movies at Walmart with nude scenes in them and can't by a CD with cussin??

   Alcohol is very very bad for you. It makes you admit stuff you wouldn't normally admit while sober. Trust me.

   I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....

   If you think paper beats rock...Hold a piece of paper up in front of your face and I'll throw a rock at it.

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   When my words fail, I try interpretive dancing... that usual works

   If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

   I suck at sleep.

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.

   "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!

   Would buy a big dog and pay a midget to ride it

   What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT

   All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!

   Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   that awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.