Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   I'm looking for a 4 letter word that ends with "unt".......... ........ ........ don't be so crude, I was looking for "Aunt."

   TThere is a difference between being "passionate" about your religious and political beliefs and being down-right "hateful." The former acquires respect. (...the latter gets unfriended.)

   why do people seem to care what beauty pagent contestants say? I can't see them winning a nobel prize

   That awkward moment at the club when the white girl dances better than the black girl...#shame

   A woman is suing Chuck E Cheese because it leads to "compulsive gambling". That is like suing Walmart for "compulsive uglyness".

   Soo, I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   you know you have been drinking to much when a cop get's behind your car and you ask yourself if you had been drinking today!

   Get ready for the Rapture 6.0 on October 21st. Yay I have time to get my blunt force zombie hunting weapons ready!

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.

   You know you've made a serious vocational error, if you're covered in blood, crap, or oil by 6am.

   wondering if Harold Camping is going to stop picking random dates for the end of the world when we reach 2013 and his Mayan calender has expired

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.