Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I take context out of things.

   My dog can't seem to walk straight when we are out. He is gonna make look bad when I'm under the influence.

   I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.

   Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.

   I love Hitchhiker's, they always give Me a Thumbs up Every time I pass by them

   "two managers 1 cup..." could get quite messi tomorrow

   Even though my house has an alarm, I still like to set booby traps...just in case.

   That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you

   aaah the weekend... drink triple, see double, act single.

   I Spent the last 30 minutes trying to trim my side burns and am now sporting a nice mohawk..

   Men make mistakes the problem is god gave us a brain and A wienner but not enough blood supply to run both at the same time..!!!

   I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   DNA Tests today confirmed danny devito is arnolds love child..

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver