Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours

   Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

   About 50% of the time “good luck” means “effff you.”

   That awkward moment when you're late for class, and when you walk in, everyone stares at you like you killed someone.

   The guy who predicted the end of the world moved the date to Oct/Nov. That's not the end of the world, it's just another Twilight film.

   8 year olds today have Facebooks, twitter, phones, ipods. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.

   Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.

   so Oprah's last show was today... what are her minions going to do now that she is gone from tv? there are housewives in KY who need someone to tell them what books to read and what Scientology is doing to Tom Cruise.

   Dear a$$hole on your bike in front of me at the stop light; yes I can read your shirt, I'm so amused sincerely your wife!

   thinks Facebook should add another option for Friends Requests... WHO ARE YOU?

   Wish I could change my relationship status to "batteries dead" LOL

   I was gonna buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?

   Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you're covered.

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool... to poke a Hontas.

   Congrats to Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush uh Cristiano Ronaldo, I mean Nick Cannon? Nick Lachey? Ray J? Miles Austin? Oh Kris Humphries.......

   Everybody needs to believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.

   Life was so much easier before security cameras

   It would be pretty cool if, on her last show, Oprah ripped off a mask and it was Michael Jackson.

   Some things should not be abbreviated like Save The Dates (STD) or Future Mother in Law (FML)