Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip #392: Don't ever, ever start an argument with your wife with "Your f**kin' mother"......

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button

   Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

   Whose idea was it to "be an adult?"

   Real men like curves; Only dogs like bones.

   you may have some pretty big muscles but my vajay is the most powerful thing in this room right now

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   ■That awkward moment when you're in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move.

   I hate my ducking iPhone, why the he'll won the son of a botch let me ducking swear? This is passing me off!

   What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!

   Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts)

   Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started

   This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.

   when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup

   Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.

   Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate