life Funny Status Messages

   Build a man a fire, he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   I’m not really into the idea of letting a set of made up ancient rules dictate my life. Hell I'm not real keen modern laws telling me what I can and cannot do!

   So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.