Funny Status Messages

   Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.

   Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

   Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

   Good Morning Inmates

   Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day. Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day. Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

   I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

   CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

   The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.

   it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter basket?

   I wish they could talk about something besides the Coronavirus like the world just stopped. Oh wait it did.

   How is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism ?

   Someone want to send Apple an email and let them know we need an iWatch software update...they don't need to keep telling me I need to stand up.. We need an "ignore, i'm in the middle of a quarantine" button.

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   See below: Are you people that dumb!? Now I know why we're in the predicament we are in.

   New Deluxe never used 2020 planner - super cheap!

   The pollen is so bad this year that the druggies are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   Living in a time when '3 squares' means more than just food.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

   If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.