Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."

   If you want to be a part of my life you will only communicate with me via electronics.

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   A little word to my Facebook friends. Stop accepting requests from scantily clad ladies in short skirts taking pics of themselves in the mirror. These are not real friends and you will end up having your FB wall pimped selling shoes. HELLO!?

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   Restless leg syndrome. A syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but it sounds a hell of a lot more serious than calling it wiggly bouncy legs.

   Last week, a lady in China had a baby with three arms. They're always one step ahead of us aren't they? He's probably making shoes and toys right now as I type this.

   I don't blame Mexicans for boarder hopping. We did something subliminally messed up to them. When we were creating our country, just above Mexico, we created a state called New Mexico. Now what Mexican wouldn't want to check that out?

   Be nice to your parents, because your dad could have shot you into a tissue or your mum could have swallowed you.

   Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside us

   I just don't think this wiener thing is going to stand up in court.

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   don't you wish that cold a@@ Coors train was running through your neighborhood today?" Hell yeah. RIGHT NOW!

   Congressman Weiner gives new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   I hate when people use useless expressions like, 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.

   How do people who are housebound obese not see that coming? You're gradually getting fatter. It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up. If you're walking out of your house sideways because you're too fat, make a mental note.