Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

   I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!

   Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.

   95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   im not a loser I'm just on the Z list of celebrities

   M̸o̸n̸, T̸u̸e̸s̸, W̸e̸d̸, T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸, Friday !!!!

   People kept telling me all day I looked hot!... Then I realized it was probably coz I was sweating like a pig in this frickin' heat...

   big story in the paper about a movie called Super 8. I must be getting old because I don't remember the first 7 movies of that series.

   If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone! Oh yeah? And if you don't have a Droid X, well, you don't have flash player and adobe! Now, How do you like them apples?!?!

   Leonard B. Stern inventor of Mad Libs died yesterday of EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. He is survived by his lovely PLATYPUS, CLARABELLE and his 99 LAWN DARTS. He will truly be A DINOSAUR

   The News Feed sure does have a lot of sales on Spam Jordans and Nike shoes.

   always reads the Terms of Service before clicking install just like everyone else... right?

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.

   Breaking news: Lebron James is taking his talents to Vancouver. Found out they only have to play 3 periods in the NHL, not 4.

   asks...the difference between my boss and the pope? The pope only expects me to kiss his ring

   I hate it when you are driving on the freeway and someone cuts in front of you so you flip them off, only to have them put their hand up in a gesture of "thanks".

   That awkward moment when you've been drinking, waiting for your girl come over and she calls to say she being arrested and needs you to come get her car from the cops before it gets impounded.

   If you need help in a hurry at Best Buy... just begin shoving a CD in your pants.