Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   My veterinarian is also a taxidermist and has a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back!"

   The awkward moment when you`re at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at by the wife so you just stand their and pet the dog.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.

   Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

   So a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says, “What is this … a joke?”

   My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

   shocked.. who would have known Kim Kardashian would get a ring before LeBron James!

   Harold Camping must not have realized that the rapture was just going to be for him...

   always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just incase

   Once in a while you need to ask yourself, If sex was removed from your relationship, would you still be together. Would you still have a relationship to talk about? Or you owe your relationship to great sex?

   sex a benefit of a relationship or is a relationship a benefit of sex?

   I'm not a Dallas or Miami fan, could care less who won and the Lebron james jokes are stupid.....Kill Yourselves

   I know I am not getting any action when my wife comes to bed wearing skinny jeans. Thats her code for you piss me off so you not getting any tonight.

   When will men ever learn. Dont piss off your woman and expect her to fix you a delicious sandwich. Believe me you don't wanna know some of the ingredients she will use.

   If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)