Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not a Dallas or Miami fan, could care less who won and the Lebron james jokes are stupid.....Kill Yourselves

   I know I am not getting any action when my wife comes to bed wearing skinny jeans. Thats her code for you piss me off so you not getting any tonight.

   When will men ever learn. Dont piss off your woman and expect her to fix you a delicious sandwich. Believe me you don't wanna know some of the ingredients she will use.

   If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)

   would like monkey bars alot more if they were less like playground equipment, and more like places monkeys go to drink beer and socialize

   if your password is your name, you deserve to be hacked

   where do all the characters go that you type on the keyboard before you realize the cursor isn't in the box?

   Im all about recycling and this green movement and all but I just read that my new boxer briefs were made from 100% recycled materials. Yea, can they not do that....

   I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic

   Scars remind us of where we've been, they don't have to dictate where were going

   Errant 'Rapture' Prophet Harold Camping Suffers a Stroke..guess he didnt see that one coming.

   no matter what happens in England my queen will always be Latifah

   Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.

   So this chick yelled that I was hot and she wanted me and this loser thought she was talking to him...awkward

   I've been told I have a face for Photoshop.

   I wonder if all hot girls go through life believing that everyone is being genuinely nice to them all the time.

   Got this great new calorie counting app. Each day I go for a new high score.

   Woke up with a smile after noticing I have as many NBA rings as LeBron.

   Nike is coming out with a new Lebron ringtone app for I-phone.....the only problem is it dont have any RINGS!!!!

   I keep all the extra buttons that come with clothes just in case I ever need an extra 973 buttons