Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.

   just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.

   Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!

   Yes, you are an independant women if you dont rely on a man to get your bills paid!

   Hugh Hefner's 60 year younger fiance called off their wedding due to a 'change of heart'. Does 'change of heart' mean 'saw the prenup'?

   A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole …. and she was happy with the Thing.

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.

   No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life

   stepped on a corn flake...Does that make me a cereal killer?

   Rice is awesome. Especially if you want like 2000 of something...

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   what goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives you a warm satisfaction?...a teabag

   Yeah, yeah the Greeks "invented" sex. But we Italians introduced it to women.

   People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday you will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.