Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just hooked up with a woman whose ass has dimples. This is gonna be an interesting night. Goodnight everybody.

   I have written a list of all the good and bad things I wanna do tonight. And you are number one on both sides.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.

   I will be hosting the next meeting of the Somerset Time Travel club. It will be held Wednesday of last week. We will be serving breakfast for supper. Please plan to attend! We really missed you next week.

   seeing all these profile pics of old men in honor of Father's Day is giving me the creeps. My wall looks more like a list of sex offenders..

   what you're awesome at black ops? wow, dedication and no life right there

   I give women the respect they deserve.............Oh, and by the way, I call my d*ck "respect" :-)

   When your last name is Weiner, don't get caught doing things with your weiner.

   Baby, you are my number one, even my number two knows that.

   It's all fun and games...unless there's cookies, then it's serious

   I wonder what happens to facebook accounts of people who pass away.

   Hey K-Mac you dumbass. People walking across the street have the right away. Damn teenagers

   I here Weiner is on suicide watch. Someone's afraid he's gonna choke himself to death.........

   It seems like nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything is different. I must have blacked out again.

   My dog ate a condom last night. Try explaining THAT to the Vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse!

   The only rule when a Genie grants you a wish is that you cannot wish for more wishes. Think outside the Box and wish for more Genies. The moral is that, every situation has a loop hole

   Today the glass is half full but I don't trust the water is filtered, the glass looks dirty & the person that served me has an open wound on their serving hand

   In my school days, I used to hate that one kid who always used to remind the teacher about tests, homework and quizzes. But sometimes I wonder how his life turned out though.

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!