Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   I met a woman who told me she wanted to walk a mile in my shoes. I guess she liked them because that was three weeks ago and I haven't seen her since.

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   “The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...

   Dear God, Lets make a trade. Ryan Dunn for Justin Bieber? Love, Everyone.

   I'm starting to think the word Gourmet means "Put something wierd on it, and triple the price"

   I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   Some people's opinion doesnt matter and quite frankly never will..

   Life is Great, if it was any better, I would have to charge myself admission!

   Dear Best Buy truck driver , thanks for the fresh load of fertilizer in my shorts . Next time look both ways before pulling out .

   spent 2 years in Siberian prison, only to find out it closed after the first month of being there...

   Irony Definition: Ryan Dunn dying from that same thing that made him famous.

   They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   RT @ebertchicago Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive

   Marilyn Manson had a Sex-Change Operation and people now call him Lady GaGa

   a little upset that someone from Jackass went and died off camera.

   Jimi Hendrix God of Guitar \m/

   You guys do realize you are all mourning someone famous for shoving hot wheels up their ass right?.. OK just checking.

   morning radio shows exist to read the internet to old folks.