Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow..

   I like my coffee like I like my women .Strong, sweet & hot :)

   You will never hear me say things like "I would never wish it upon my worst enemy", hell if you are my worst enemy I would wish it upon you ten-fold.

   I really like this hoity-toity hospital...they have 2 ply Toliet Paper

   Don't wait for someone else to write the ending of a story that you started from the beginning.

   : Awesome story dude.... Which chapter do you shut the f**k up?

   those sweet kind words you encraved in my mind, do me a favor and chocke on them.

   I live the same as I type: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

   Why are porn DVDs 8 hours long? I was done before the opening credits.

   I have 14 friends that liked Lil Wayne. I should delete you all.

   WAIT! Justine Bieber has a perfume out for woman called "Someday"? What? Someday he'll be one of them?

   I think cartoon characters should age every season, I wouldn't mind if alot of them were killed off due to old age.

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   : You're the reason why God invented the middle finger.

   Ok, give the Southwest Airlines pilot a break....at least he woke up the air traffic controllers!

   I have a doctor's note to excuse the rotten stench I leave in people's bathrooms.

   I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as 'Your Highness' and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.

   My car smells like if you were somehow able to get inside a potato.

   Rain, and gloom every day......like Forks, but no hot vampires