Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well Doc , there I was sitting on the crapper with nothing to read and then I spotted my wife's wax . The rest of the story speaks for itself .

   Having a girlfriend who speaks a foreign language you dont understand can be tricky. She could receive a call from her secret lover and talk to him right in your face and you would never have a clue.

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.

   If you don't like the way I think, simple Unfriend me, as my day, life, won't stop because of it.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   This is not the status message that you are looking for. Move along.

   Jeeziz. Three hours sleep. Where's Casey Anthony with the chloroform when you need her?

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   Ladies, If you get to a point in a relationship where you have to clamp your legs shut to get him to behave the way you want him to, the relationship is already over!

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   Government cheese makes the world a better place!

   was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.

   If "graphic pictures" will be required on cigarette packs, then I want to see graphic pics of ugly babies on condoms and ugly chicks WITHOUT goggles on beer bottles.

   Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?

   Our relationship was like the Fourth of July. It started with fireworks but was over by the end of the night.

   B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.

   There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.

   A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is cryin.