Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4830 of 6452

Why don't people scream when they get stabbed in movies?
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06-25-2011 12:02
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We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

If you've never seen an elephant ski you've never been on acid..........
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06-25-2011 11:58
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For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

Chicken Pot Pie my 3 favorite things!
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06-25-2011 11:47
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If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

I don't always delete people from facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend me and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends
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06-25-2011 11:37 by ptv
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Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

I think facebook must put an option that requires a person to get permission first before tagging anyone in pics and notes..
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06-25-2011 11:34
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.
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06-25-2011 11:31 by BHams
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When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?