Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

   Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

   Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

   This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

   me: [yawning] might get dressed today coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

   I've been staring at my ceiling fan thinking if it could hold my weight, this quarantine thing would be way more enjoyable.

   1st Cannibal: Should I boil this missionary? 2nd Cannibal: Don’t be silly – that’s a friar!

   when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

   [Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.

   I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

   No quarantine has all five: – ur partner – balcony / garden – pasta – quiet neighbours – hi speed wifi

   2000: I don’t want no scrubs 2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

   Covid-19 Log -4/14/20: Shaved my shoulders.

   If it's good news, I'm taking all the credit. If it's bad news, I'm blaming others.

   * Like rainy days and mondays he always gets me down.

   Dems win the supreme court's seat in Wisconsin.

   This is the first time in my life that am seeing a month without a weekend, everyday is everyday

   Babysitter rates going up when this things over!

   Quarantine tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any

   “Say hello to my little friend” isn’t threatening. Why would someone be afraid of anyone with their “little friend” hanging out?