Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kanye West leaned back in his chair, stroking his Persian cat. His scheme to become the biggest douche in the world was coming to fruition.

   Your life would be sweeter if you spent more time around those impressed by you, not those you have to impress.

   I don't know about you, but a highlight of my teenagerhood was filling my Dad's Vodka/Whiskey bottle with Water/Apple juice..

   Bill and Ted wrote the best bible when they said "Be excellent to each other". no other commandments or words of wisdom needed.

   As I get older my fantasy hasn't changed, I still want two women at the same time, the only difference is......one cooking and one cleaning.

   - Xbox and nintendo wii are both white and none of my credit card details were stolen by those. The ps3 on the other hand......

   Did you know you can sun burn your nipples? Me neither! Ouch.

   90% of women don't like men in pink t-shirts... IRONICALLY.. 90% of men in pink t-shirts don't like women

   Making yourself busy won't let you forget what you don't want to remember

   if you have ever pushed a door that said pull .

   has decided the best response to "Suck it" is hereby known as "Sorry, I'm not allowed to put small things in my mouth!"

   how come when we talk to God we are praying...when God talks to us we are schizophrenic

   some days 25 to life just seems like it would be worth it!!!!!

   Contact your local cable provider and ask them for ESPN 8 "The Ocho" If it's almost a sport, it's on "The Ocho!"

   I found a pillbug. He curled into a ball. That's how he rolls.

   Pet Peeve #5742....It annoys me when people text me and I respond and then all of a sudden it stops in mid-text like your stopping in mid conversation...and then I patiently wait and nothing... it drives me crazy...finish your text or dont text me at all!

   Facebook makes me nosey =)

   The TSA found what they where looking for in that 95 year old's diaper. Their brains.

   I have come to the conclusion that Google must be female, as she has the answer to everything and Yahoo is a Male , pointless and never works ..

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