Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   "Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

   Morning Glory Evening Grace

   Who stopped payment on my reality check?

   And the person you'd take a bullet for is the one pulling the trigger.

   Sometimes its funny how the person you wana catch the grenade for is the one throwing it at you.

   I hate YHGTBFKM mornings. That's when you wake up, look at your alarm clock, and say "You have got to be f&$king kidding me".

   disappointed to hear that farts do not have lumps as it means I've dirtied my pants

   things you would say to your computer but not to your girlfriend ? - next year I'm getting a new model ..

   I have 100 tabs open on my internet browser and I can't figure out which one the sound is coming from.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

   My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   I will be honest with you, when it comes to women, you are part of my "Quantity Over Quality" phase.

   "getlost@youLoser.com" seems like a strange email address, are you sure you wrote it down correctly??

   When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 a minute!!

   Kegel exercises ladies...Lets begin! and I and a 2 and a 3. :)