Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

   doesnt have a beer gut.Its a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   doesnt get it...Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   knows for a fact that the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth!

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   Dora: where are we going? Me: to candy mountain! :D

   when I was younger my mum would always give me my food by saying "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" with the spoon. I always ate it as I was afaid if not she wouldnt untie me from the railway lines!

   heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   My boss asked why I was so late. I said this guy had lost £20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, I said No, I was standing on it.

   Me and my 2 friends can satisfy any women...Yup me and my good friend VISA and M/C...

   trying to get in touch with his feminine side, a friend of mine bought a book called "How to Hug". Little did he know that it was actually the 9th volume of the encyclopedia!

   Your cellphone is practically glued to your palms but the minute I call, you all of a sudden had your phone in your purse?

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!

   at the corner picking up your girlfriend from work.

   I performed at a charity event last night for women with no legs and I gotta tell ya fellas, that place was just crawling with ass…. Literally!

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girl all have in common? In each scenario there is a DUMBASS who did not take it out in time