Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss the bottle rocket wars we use to have as a kid...Oh and too my boy "One Eyed Willy" thank you for taking one for the team all those years ago...What you lack in depth perception you make up with heart...

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

   The Census Bureau admits to undercounting over a million residents in California.....Congrats to Schwarzenegger for managing to cover up all those illegitimate kids!

   Driving cars is like having sex, all guys think they're good at it

   You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!

   Shirt wet, face sweaty, heavy breathing......no, you pervs.....I just mowed the front yard.......

   ‎7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don't be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse ;) Happy 4th of July!!

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and thank him for saving us from the Alien Invasion!

   celebrating the 4th by putting pop-rocks in the vaseline!!

   Napsterbation. Combining two of my favorite activities..

   The Internet? Is that thing still around? - Homer Simpson

   Dry Clean Only = Dirty Shirt

   Happy "Let's watch a bunch of idiots eat an ass-load of hot dogs on ESPN" day!!

   I hate to go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and remember all the men, woman and children killed in that horrific alien invasion.

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.

   I bet Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.

   A silly woman will look at what a man drives. A wise woman will look at what drives the Man.