Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   The OJ trial started the Kardashian tradition of getting black guys off

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   if you put pictures of lost kids on Beer Cans instead of Milk Cartons we'd find them in about 15 minutes

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   Players are like the letter Q : A big zero with a small little tail....

   Figuring out a waman's age by checking out her friends list

   I wonder if any of the jurors would let Casey Anthony babysit their kids...

   I ate a fish burger at Sea World and it suddenly dawned on me that I could be eating a slow learner

   For how long must I wait and toil in the FRIEND ZONE before she lets me hit it??

   Transformers 3: if you keep saving the world, you will never run out of hot girlfriends..!

   Why do women do such silly things sometimes, like trying to turn a one night stand into an engagement?

   for anyone thats interested I'm watching tv and deciding if I should get up and go for a wee

   I miss the 1980s when cell phones were big enough to cover your face if you saw someone you knew walking toward you.

   Sometimes people don't notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. The they are like, “Why don't you stalk me anymore”