Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wash my hands so many times a day, I couldn't contract OCD even if I wanted to.

   Girl, not even the Kool-Aid man could bust through your emotional walls.

   I've been shopping for a new desk. Still can't find one with a headboard.

   My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.

   decided to clean house since it is raining. Now it smells of Murphy oil soap and Pine-Sol.. Instead of Sex and Candy.

   Lightning strike at Caylee Anthonys memorial 'could be a sign from the angels'

   The Twelve Jurors In The Casey Anthony Trial. Names Released! Homer Simpson, Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Kelly Bundy, Eric Cartman Joey Tribbiani, Beavis, Butthead, Edith Bunker, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Coyote.

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.

   a recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   im pretty sure charlie sheen will get fired from his own comedy central roast..

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

   “Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)

   Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.

   The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.

   I'm looking forward to the day when Jesus points to me, and turns to our Father and says, "This one is mine!"

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff

   Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!