Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You guys mind if I get this out of the way a little early? Thanks. Dear Monday, I hate you.

   When are they going to do a myth busters episode on God?

   I see they now have wedding dresses made completely out of toilet paper. Well, at least you'll be prepared when your marriage turns to $**t.

   Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

   dont be mean to haters. their just doing there job..

   WARNING:I can change from sweet and innocent to B***H in 3,2 seconds...

   A French kiss should not last long,Remember even the French Surrendered.

   I'm fed up with politics. I'm gonna start the Long Island Iced Tea Party movement for those of us who know that both sides sell us the same s**t in a different package.

   I believe in the sun even when it's night time, I believe in love even when I am yet to find it, I believe in God even when he is yet to answer my prayers, I believe in heaven even when I have been to hell and back.

   no, I don't think I can help you with that. I have to go walk my dog. and I can only deal with one b!tch at a time

   if god invented somethign better than kfc and coffee, he must of kept it to himself.

   The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"

   A real friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. All the others are just acquaintances.

   The thing about flukes is that they cannot be repeated. Case in point; Hangover 2, Ke$ha, Robert Pattison, Basic Instinct 2, Oceans 12 & 13.

   Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.

   Sometimes it's better to just quietly miss someone than to let them know and still be ignored.

   When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."

   Sleep? Must be nice!

   Yo mama so fat, she need cheat codes for Wii fit.

   It's amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people's mistakes.