Funny Status Messages

   Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

   If you happen to be hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona.

   [15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

   The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

   Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

   ESPN is going to fast track its documentary glorifying Michael Jordan. I'll bet that'll be really good!

   I really hate when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   Show of hands...how many of you are stuck in the house with a 75 something-year-old behaving like a toddler amped up on fun dip??

   When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?

   You wanna sum up how screwed up 2020 is? It’s April 15th, and the IRS just sent us all money!

   There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell everything you know.

   2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

   The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

   Let’s see how long this $1200 last before the gofundme pages start back up

   Today is national wear your pajamas to work day. Didn't that start when the stay at home orders went into effect?

   * To help my bored stay at home friends to past the time, I made a DVD video of his dumbest speeches to watch.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.